After running across a few situations in the adoption world lately, I wanted to talk about honesty, grief, what adoption is, what adoption isn't, and how all three members of the triad can work together to make adoption a little less painful. This might take more than one article/post. A little backstory on me. I am 24 years old, and placed my son when I was 21. Yes, I fit some of the "stereotypes". I was a young, single mom, already had a kid, etc. I have a pretty solid relationship with the adoptive family, which is awesome. Not everyone has that. I don't have too many regrets about my adoption story. Not everyone has that. So let's talk. And let's be real. And let's be honest.
*Please note that all of what I talk about is focused on Domestic Infant Adoption (DIA), and not foster care. I have very little experience in that realm.
Honesty in Adoption
Sadly, honesty is not always present in adoption. The history of adoption is a very checkered one. There is a VERY dark side to adoption that we have to understand in order to appreciate how adoption is now.
Then
There is an era in adoption that has been named the Baby Scoop Era. This was a time when women were shipped off to unwed mothers homes, sent to a relatives home farther away, etc. I would highly recommend reading "The Girl Who Went Away." in order to understand much of what happened. Some women were knocked out via drugs, some had no meds, some were restrained. Some were told that their children had died, others knew that the babies were alive, but never got the chance to see or hold their child. This was an era of closed adoptions. There have been so few families who have been able to reconnect, due to the fact that names were changed, and records were sealed.
There was a man who was adopted 25 years ago. When he was adopted, the attorney told the birth father he would need over $7K to fight the adoption. So he was pretty much forced to give up his rights. Because there was a name changed when the adoption papers were signed, the birth father was unable to find his son. The adoptee had not been told that he was adopted. He found a picture when he was 16, and started asking questions. To this day, he doesn't know if he would have been told if he hadn't found that picture. Luckily due to social media, he has been able to find one of his birth parents. But it has been a struggle.
There have been others. Other closed adoptions, where the adoptee has been able to reconnect with the birth parents... Some of them have been fantastic reconnections, where the birth families and adoptees have formed great relationships... Other adoptees have been left feeling like they were an inconvenience. Many are angry, hurt, or struggle with abandonment. Others are thankful for their adoptive families, and have tight bonds with them. It varies from person to person, but there is always a feeling of loss. Closed adoptions have caused so much pain for so many people. It is a VERY dark spot in adoption.
Now
Things have changed, but they haven't changed as much as we would like them to. Our issues with honesty have changed to a bit of a different front. For the most part, we are looking at open adoptions instead of closed. Note, I said for the most part.
My open adoption story is pretty awesome. My son's parents have been pretty up front with me about things. Whether it has been health issues or health history, events that they have been a part of, etc. They have always been honest with me. Yes, I'm bragging on them because of how much I appreciate them. Honesty has been what has held us together. They were honest about their expectations in the open adoption that we agreed on. They were honest with me about his medical care. They were honest with me when it came to everything. My story isn't as bright as some.
There are many women I know who have placed. There are many who have been lied to and coerced. Yes, coercion still happens. Coercion from the birth family, coercion from friends, from pastors, from agency workers, from hospital workers, and from hopeful adoptive families. Dishonesty happens. Dishonesty happens when hopeful adoptive parents lie. When they claim that they want openness, and might even write out an agreement... But then they close the adoption. They move. They block the birth parent from email and phone calls. It happens, and it happens on a regular basis. This needs to change. To have healing, we MUST have honesty.
Though it is not as common these days, adoptive parents STILL lie to their children. While it might not be about the fact that they are adopted, they are often lied to about their beginnings. Some are told that their parents didn't want them. Some are told that the birth families are no good. Some are told that their birth parents aren't stable. Some are told that their birth families are druggies, alcoholics, etc. Yes, there are a few birth families that are not stable... but a child should never be told that they were not loved.
Always
The most important part of honesty in adoption that we all leave out... Is honesty with ourselves, and our children. In order to look at adoption in any sort of light we have to be honest with ourselves. We cannot hide from ourselves, and we cannot hold the truth from our children. We have to be honest when we grieve. We have to be honest when we love. We have to be honest when we are having a good day, and we have to be honest when we have bad days. Adoption needs to be founded on honesty.
I am going to wrap this one up, but I want to hear your stories! I want stories on honesty and/or grief. Is your story one of the hard ones? One of the dark ones? Is yours one of the brighter ones? Are you a birth parent? Are you an adoptee? Are you an adoptive parent? Send me your stories at tabithafayenilsen@gmail.com, and let me know if I can share them to help with others. Thank you so much.
~Blessings and Love~
Tabitha
